Joke

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do and that’s play pranks at international airports.”

"My favourite pub game is snooker. Any game whose rules basically amount to finding a table covered in mess and slowly and methodically putting it all away out of sight is one with which I can empathise emphatically."

"Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve and a big sign will up come that says: 'Level Two'."

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

“We live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure. But you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning, it ruins everything and it's illogical. It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.”

“My favourite road sign is ‘Falling rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, be lucky.’”

"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don't die."

“I knelt to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around I’ll never know...”

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."

In need of a quick comedic pick-me-up? Want a one-liner to impress your mates with? Look no further than our pick of the best jokes in the world.

Howl as Garry Shandling delves into his 'personal stash' for us. Snort at Dave Chappelle’s smartest routine. Guffaw at Tommy Cooper's classics. And gird your sides for a rip-roaring hysterical hit list.

Assembled without recourse to taste or decency from the grandest old masters and hippest young gag slingers, here's our guide to the best jokes in the world.